Friday, September 21, 2007

News From The Future.

200 years after it disappeared under a rising sea of debt, the mysterious lost continent of Africanis-Bankruptas has finally been discovered. The formidable task of unearthing any of its remnants is being done by a small group of unemployed yobs under the direction of the acclaimed anthropologist and archaeologist, Doctor ‘Dez’ Leaky Dick Morris.

Reporting his latest findings to an extremely disinterested group of reporters, Dr. Leaky Dick Morris described their first discoveries.

‘The populace of Africanis-Bankruptas, as far as we can ascertain from the few records that have survived after the great crash of humanitarian aid back in 2007, is that they were divided into two distinct tribes. The Wa’Benzis and Wa’Poorbastards. The former made up less than 0.1% of the population, but seemed to have had 99.99% of the continent’s assets in their control.’

Holding up a perfectly preserved, diamond encrusted Rolex watch, he went on.

‘This was discovered in a tomb in an area once called Zimbabwe. It was attached to a mummified corpse of a former head of state and was incarcerated in a bullet proof sarcophagus, known in those days as a Mercedes-Benz. I believe the company who made them went bust shortly after the last Wa’Benzi died.’

The doctor was then interrupted by one reporter, who wanted to know who was financing to dig up all this useless crap, since everyone knew that the entire place had simply been written off every book as soon as Irish Rock music had been banned for promoting Western Governments to take their tax payers money and throw it away on the dark continent.

‘We are self-financing and raise the cash by selling the artefacts on internet auction sites.’ ‘Dez’ explained. ‘Some of this stuff is well preserved and has a quirky attraction.’

Pointing to a whitish-brown oblong object entombed in Perspex,

‘This, as far as we can work out, is the last loaf of bread ever made in Zimbabwe. It has a solid gold plate inscribed - Celebrating Our Great Leader President Bob Mugabe’s Fast-track Land Distribution.’

At this point, the room erupted into laughter and everyone got up to leave. One reporter called out,

‘What a load of bollocks, who gave a shit then, and you think someone will pay to give a shit now! Bloody madness. Your entire family is crackers. Wasn’t it your great grand-daddy who dug up some monkey skull and claimed it was our common forefather?’

Another added to the Doctor's misery by shouting,

‘Go look for something interesting, you idiot, like the lost tomb of the first and last white President of the former European Union!’

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