Sunday, September 23, 2007


Well, I had a good laugh. No one put in a bid. For those who didn't get to see it - this was what i had on Ebay recently.

Winky Wanky Woo Industries of China proudly presents this versatile and cute looking Mop-IT, come vacuum cleaner, come steam- cleaner. It is one of the best illegally replicated things we have been exporting from China in recent times. It also looks smart, even when not in use. Propped up in a corner, dripping-wet or bone-dry, it enhances all modern homes with its unique appearance!

A yet to be patented feature is a small ‘tongue’ which can be used to clean dirt out of those ‘hard to get at’ corners. It is activated by a simple twist and thrust of the handle.

To put the Mop-IT into ‘STEAMING’ mode, it has to be soaked in a bucket of 7% strength Carlsberg Beer Special Brew for 30 minutes. (Not supplied.) It is however advisable not to let the Mop-IT soak for longer, otherwise it gets really steamed up and can be very aggressive when applied to delicate surfaces, such as oak floors. In this state the Mop-IT has known to scratch deep gouges in the wood.

Another practical extra, is the built in chemical stain remover. This is automatically released out of small ducts around the mop’s ‘eyes’ when the handle is turned three times and pushed a further 12 inches into the body part of the Mop-IT. The tongue will also extend to its maximum length at this stage.

The vacuum cleaning adapter can be activated from its position in the ‘jaw’ section by simply shaking the entire unit vigorously for several minutes. A sound will start to emit from the Mop-IT reminiscent of a tractor engine idling. When the noise reaches that similar to a Formula 1 racing-car at 18,000 revs, the handle will vibrate and must be held firmly. At this stage, the tiny needle sharp teeth will then be exposed and can be applied onto the carpet under the dining room table, so as to dispose of any dropped food. If this mode is used constantly, there will come a time when the unit must be emptied.

To do this, simply unscrew the handle and gently squeeze the Mop-IT middle till no more rubbish comes out. It is recommended that this is done outside, over a dustbin, wearing a full rubber suit. (Also available from WWW Industries.)

(Warning: The Mop-IT will normally switch off after a short time in the vacuum cleaning mode. However, activating it, ‘just for a laugh’, especially after using the STEAMING mode and there being no food scraps to be sucked up, has subsequently resulted in several models going berserk and tearing chunks out of the owners shoes and feet. Should this rare occurrence happen, the unit must be swung around several times and then dashed hard against a wall. This normally switches it off, permanently!)

The mop has been tested to British Health and Safety Standards. The manufacturers would like to point out that, contrary to the reports in the tabloid press, the Mop-IT end does not have a tendency to fly off its handle and brutally savage small children. (Unless Over-Steamed.)

If the Mop - IT becomes very dirty, it is easy to clean by shoving it head first into a toilet filled with bleach and flushed several times.

WWW Industries are working on several Pimp Ma’ Mop-IT accessories to be soon made available to make yours totally unique. At present we can offer -

Colouring kit – Several colours are available to transform your Mop-IT into the latest trendy style. Simply empty the sachet of the chosen colour powder into a washing machine, unscrew the Mop-IT body and wash it at 40c. Allow to drip-dry. Speed drying, either in the micro-wave or in a tumble drier will make the guarantee void and the handle will no longer fit into the shrunken hole. We can presently offer (please add £10 per colour chosen, to the end price),

Flamingo Pink, for those gay moments

Bile Yellow, for those drunken moments

Toilet Brown, for those ‘Curry Vindaloo take away’ moments

It is advised not to leave the Mop-IT unsupervised, as they have been known to leg it.

If treated with care, the Mop-IT will give years of use. It is also bio-degradable and can be discarded at the end of its life expectancy by simply tossing it into the nearest builder’s skip near your house.


Should your Mop-IT fail to function as described for any strange reason, we will replace it with an identical or similar product. (It has been occasionally reported that the Mop-IT plastic wrapping it arrives in has been applied too tight, and subsequently it has arrived looking green and blue and smelling badly.)

To make a claim, please send an Email to our head of Customer Services,

Comrade Winky Wanky Woo at –


Please Note.

Never, ever, ever, open this unit for any reason, regardless if it no longer functions or not. There are no reusable parts and you would have to be mentally ill to consider this or own a Korean restaurant.

Unfortunately, as of this date, you can only actually bid for this picture, as all Mop-ITs are presently sold out.

Picture available for download only.

I accept all forms of payment except Zimbabwe dollars.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Aikona, Lore, I hope your winky wanky woo forgives you for making him/her the butt/handle of this lovely little piece of satire.
Good on ya, shamwari, for making me laugh (with all due respect to our canine brethren & sistren & may Mop-IT industries never get off the carpet)and best of luck with your writing.