Friday, August 17, 2007

100th Posting

Greetings readers,

I am sort of back in the land of the living, albeit dragging my feet like a slow motion Zombie in Michael Jackson’s Thriller.

Today is a special day. It is the 100 th posting on this little bog, er Blog. So we have a mixed bag of all sorts to cheer up your day.

Before that, let’s have a few stats about this Blog.

Amount of Visitors so far, adding the previous counter to the present one – 13,200. Of which 12,000 is me clicking away every 10 minutes!

Longest time spent on my Blog. Approx 13 hours by someone in Norway, but I got a sneaky suspicion the page was left accidentally on overnight.

Number of abusive comments – an amazing null!

Number of direct verbal threats of physical violence being performed on my body due to something I have written on the Blog – One. (So if I don’t post for a month, could someone notify the funeral parlour.)

Number of people who are awaiting with baited breath to purchase my forthcoming masterpiece – 32

Number of people who don’t give a shite – 2

Wackiest comment – Someone who thought my name was Susan and tried to chat me up!

Most popular story – Learning Afrikaans. If you haven’t read it yet, to save you scrolling the archives, here is the direct link

That is enough for the moment. Okay, on with the show. Grab a drink and put your feet up as this is a long one…

Are you white and English and looking for a job in the United Kingdom? Well you can forget it. The government of the UK is going out of its way to racially discriminate against its own people. Here is a little excerpt from an article from the Daily Express, 9th of August.

In the name of cultural diversity, Labour attacks anything that smacks of Englishness. The mainstream public are treated with contempt, their rights ignored , their history trashed. In their own land, the English are being turned into second-class citizens.
This trend was highlighted this week by the case of Abigail Howarth, a bright teenager who applied for a training position with the Environment Agency in East Anglia but was turned down because she was too white and English. The post, which carries a £13,000 grant, was open only to ethnic minorities, including the Scots, Welsh and Irish.

It is well worth a look at the whole article…

What this article fails to point out, that there is one huge minority class in the UK that is constantly harassed. These people of all ages and sex, have been literally forced to congregate on the streets and open places, some willing to stand in freezing temperatures or pouring rain, to practise a tradition brought over from America by some nutcase, called Walter.

Nutty Walt, as he was affectionally known by, unable to find (thieve) gold ingots to repay the loan on his ship, was tricked by some dodgy Red Skins into buying tons of Gold leaf. Upon his return to the UK he discovered that the stuff was useless. Pulling off one of the greatest bits of spin (almost as good as the WMD in Iraq story), he conned people into sticking them in their mouths and setting fire to them. The result was that the victims head was enveloped in smoke and was supposed to be a lot better off for it. Thus the term, ‘he is a smoker’. Walt had his head chopped off by Queen Elizabeth I, for smoking in her chambers and in 2007 Queen Elizabeth II got the government to fine every one £50 for smoking anywhere but in their own homes.


Here in the UK, all vehicles are required by law to have a valid M.O.T. Now according to the government web site,

Your MOT certificate confirms that at the time of the test your vehicle met, as far as can be reasonably determined without dismantling, the minimum acceptable environmental and road safety standards required by law.

This is all well and good, but what does M.O.T. actually stand for? Mother Of a Test,
Made Of Tin? Amazingly I couldn’t find on the site what it does stand for. However, on the way back from Scotland the other day, using up my free first class Virgin rail ticket, the waiter solved this problem by waving at me a teapot and saying with a rather heavy Scottish accent,

‘any more tea?’

So there you have it!

We all know the world is in a right sorry mess, but I do think it’s a shame to take it out on the poor gorillas. Maybe the perpetrators got confused with guerrillas. Either way, this recent massacre appears not to have been done by poachers, as the bodies were left where they were shot, and intact. Such a waste, there aren’t many left now. I was in the Virunga National Park in the mid ‘80s (the Rwanda side) and had the luck of getting to see these magnificent creatures close up. The tourists had been warned not to look any directly in the eye, as this could be interpreted as an act of aggression.

I nearly had a Silver-Back pull my head off, before I realised that my 500mm telephoto mirror lens was just about the biggest evil eye this particular great ape had seen. The things I have to do to get a bit of attention!

More details here –

As usual we have to have a bit of the old Zimbo Loony Tunes. So what’s new in La-La- Land where everyone’s a millionaire, but the shops are empty? Not a lot really. A quick skim through the last few days postings on revealed the usual. Namely, that it is all the white mans fault. Yawn, this is starting to get boring. A couple of giggles were there. For example –

Zimbabwe army officers have stormed Ross Camp police
station in Bulawayo and recovered hundreds of looted grocery items from
police officers enforcing a controversial price crackdown that began last

Sources at Ross Camp said the soldiers stormed the housing complex at
the main police station and conducted a thorough house-to-house search to
flush out police officers who had looted the basic

Then there was this one –

Millions of Chinese made faulty vibrators are being withdrawn. Thousands of women have been left gutted! Catholic Nuns raid Anglican churches accused of hoarding candles!

Okay, I made that one up, but which story is more believable?


Edinburgh Art Festival is always a joy to visit. Whilst I was there, by absolute pure chance, I came across a tiny exhibition in the foyer of some large theatre on Princess Street. A white lady by the name of Diane had come over with a small selection of Shona carvings. We had a nice little chat. I asked her if she had seen any of the sights. She said that she had but the most remarkable was the supermarket!

Approaching Euston train station from Euston Square Underground, there is a row of metal boxes full of free newspapers. One of them is called The New Zimbabwe. This was issue No.4. (They have a website at which has Issue No.5 up.) What an excellent little paper. One article was about a man, who after being found naked in a woman’s room and being caught after a short chase, admitted to possessing ‘mubobobo’ (I have spelt it correctly, not mumbo-jumbo, although when you read on you might think so), a form of ‘juju’, which allows a man to be intimate with a women without her consent or knowledge. The paper went on to say that the enraged husband, when he turned up, attempted to axe the culprit, who under questioning from angry neighbours admitted to have been doing quite a bit of the old, ‘in and out’, on sleeping victims.

The best bit is at the end. The officer commanding crime in Marondera, Supt. Darlington Mathuthu, said the man had been arrested and would face charges…wait for it… ‘unlawful entry into private property.’ Hah hah hah. Nice one.

I am happy to see that Zimbabwe humour is still first class. Story telling is a fine art. For my latest assignment for the Open University, I took a piece from LOTR Part 1 and completely redid it. I decided to take this particular story and write it in the classical way the Rhodesian Whites related an anecdote using the stereotype Blackman, ‘Sixpence’. There is nothing racialist in this approach. If the story was about some absurd White character, his name would of course been ‘Van der Merwe’, the Afrikaans slope headed rock spider. The English use ‘Paddy’ for most of their little witty dittys, unless it involves Germans, in which case they are called ‘Fritz’ or ‘Hans’, etc etc. I think you get my drift.

In my little story, Sixpence is actually WHITE! I have been forced to convert the adventures of Sixpence into 1500 words for the assignment, which must be finished in less than a week. However, I will return it into a fully blown story for my book, and as a special treat, I hope that the next posting will have the first few paragraphs to give you a bit of a teaser.

In The New Zimbabwe newspaper I came across another great story teller. His name is Lenox Mhlanga and he has a column called, Breaking The Wind. The column is hilarious. Sixpence is now gone of course, but he is replaced by all sorts of characters, nearly all with University degree who are in London looking for work. In this brilliantly written spoof (based on a lot of fact) our heroes have been down to the local agency, and applied for every job going, happily ticking boxes such as: Forklift Operator, Crane Driver etc.

It gets really funny when one successful applicant, after lying he is a professional Care Worker, nearly breaks his back whilst pushing some old biddy around the residential home in a wheel chair. For some reason he doesn’t understand why the thing leaves black rubber marks all over the vinyl floor, until eventually someone explains to him that the thing has brakes and they are still on!

The last bit I have to report about Zimbabwe, is of a strange meeting that Mad Bob had with the demented members of his politburo. One clown pulls out a list of Zimbabwe related websites and other lying bastard colonial racialist western news web sources. 51 in all. They also had several printouts from these sauces and the lads were not amused. Sadly, I am not on it. BUT as Barbara the co-webmaster of Zimbabwe Situation proudly pointed out to me, they ARE! Lucky sods!

Anyway, this is all well and good, but what they going to do about it? Er, that’s what they said and they agreed to mull over it, because at that point in time, they don’t have a bloody clue.

I must wrap up in a bit, as this posting is getting rather long. I noticed over on the web site, South Africa Sucks, that they commentated there had been little or no coverage in the local press of the Expat protest march, in London on the 12th of August. They were trying to raise awareness of the high level of crime sweeping through South Africa. It was given front page headlines by the free newspaper, South African, which claims to have 105.000 readers a week, but I didn’t see a report anywhere else. Fact is, Whites protesting about Blacks in South Africa will never get covered by the western press. We all know why, don’t we!

You don’t?

Well, everything that is wrong, tits-up, corrupt, anarchy, etc etc, to do with Africa is the White mans fault. This is an excepted fact. If, God forbid, that there are people (white ones) who try to point out that perhaps, just perhaps, this might not be the real situation; horrors’ of horrors, just put a legal blanket on it.

BUT, sadly for Big Brother, the internet is still free and we can get our information elsewhere.


If the weather is good, I will be going and hope to rope in a few Rhodie mates as well. It sounds like fun, so any one out there from London, maybe I see ya there. Details at

That’s it, catch ya laters alligators and please send comments and add to the poll, thanks.

Lore, Simply The Pest

1 comment:

Bokonon said...

I loved the post on Afrikaans.

One of my favourite Afrikaans stories is thst I studied Afrikaans as a foreign language.

The other story is that I keep putting done Afrikaans as languages spoken at home on the five-yearly censis form. I keep hoping to spot a guide to collecting the dole written in Afrikaans. ( I think Afrikaans is at least a worthy language as Arabic, Farsi or Hmong for writing documents on collecting government handouts). If the government did take the censis form as seriously as they claim then I more likely see the guide in Klingon.

Keep up the good work.