Thursday, February 02, 2006


Reported by Jesus Mohammed for the Daily Nutter.

Incensed mobs of machine gun touting Christians, Luger pistol carrying members of the Vienna Boys Choir and vibrator armed Gays attempted to ‘Donner und Blitzen’, (i.e. beat every one up, then torch the joint,) Zimbabwean embassies in every major Western city today in an unprecedented back lash to the Mohammed cartoon fiasco.

It did not take long for the infamous web site, www.castrate-cartoonists.doh, to put up more derogative cartoons of religious theme after the massive success of their Prophet Mohammed publications. Really stirring up the shit, they nailed Zimbabwean national Tony Namate, winner of the coveted Cartoonists Rights Network's annual award for Courage in Editorial Cartooning and demanded he be burnt at the stake.

The jerk-legged reaction has been appalling. The U.S.A., where President Bush has a red phone line direct to god knows who, called for a military strike against Zimbabwe. In a hastily convened press conference, Mr. Bush was at pains to point out,

‘Choir boys must sometimes sing for their supper, but that doesn’t make all Catholic priests collectors of buggerigars’.

Tony Blair in the United Kingdom, whose wife has a hot line to her hairdressers, appealed for calm,

‘A couple of priests having a quite snog is not a cause for alarm,’ he said, and added,
‘besides you have to be member of their club.’

A spokesperson for the Zimbabwean Embassy, contacted by cell phone, agreed to speak to me providing they stayed drunk.

‘Mr Mugabe has agreed to have all the remaining Whites in Zimbabwe shot one by one, until this filthy desecrater, Tony Namate, is unearthed, tortured and fed to the dogs. He has also given us explicit orders to shoot all Gays who enter the embassy and if possible send Peter Tatchell’s head back in the next diplomatic pouch.’

A broadcasted tape, sent to the Arab news station Al JESUS by a little known movement calling themselves, Islamic Nutters, portrayed a murky scorched figure sitting on a cloud, surrounded by loads of second hand virgins, swore to assist the embattled President Mugabe.
Loosely translated, the group called for,

‘Immediate halt to all loans supporting the slaughter of Sperm by Norway and
no more imports of Danish Bacon.’

They then ominously called upon Iran to back their demands with military muscle.

‘We call upon Iran to nuke the Falkland Islands, a secret breeding place of nuns.’

Actually, they are penguins but easily confused. Plus I think they meant Sperm Whales.

The well known bible bashing bigot, Jim Baker, has pledged Zimbabwe $500,000 (about US $2.50 at the 2.40, er 2.30, I cant keep up with 800% inflation,) to obtain exclusive footage of the award winning cartoonist being burnt alive. However, he did grumble when interviewed,

‘Burnt at the stake is old fashioned and has been done thousands of times. Even Hollywood can’t be arsed filming it anymore. I have made this offer only on the condition that Tony is ‘Necklaced’.’

A referral to a popular South African voting incentive method.

Jim went on to say,

‘If done properly, my investment would triple if correctly marketed on my, ‘I am God’, cable channel.’

At the time of writing, Tony Namate is hiding in a small lean to made from Made in Rhodesia fertilizer bags at the Arundel dam on Norfolk Road between Quorn and Golden Stairs road, Mount Dump, Harare, but refuses to expose his exact present where abouts for fear of being mobbed by UN emergency relief food parcels.

AND… to wrap the lot up, all the cartoons causing riots can be seen at

for people with a Mac computer, this should be worth a laugh…sadly the game is not yet available for Windows.

till next time…



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