Tuesday, February 28, 2006



No I don’t take the stuff. Tried a pill a few years ago, but I didn’t pull any chicks at the disco, so gave it up as a bummer. Maybe the fact that I was twice the age of the fat little darlings, sweating copiously to mad Jiggy-Jig music, might have something to do with it never entered my head.

Several things have happened to me the last few days. First off, the agony column. My poverty has reached destitute levels. I even had the audacity to go across the road to the Chinese Junk shop and moan about three of the six fag lighters I had purchased 2 weeks ago for a pound. They no longer work, and even though half the gas had been used before they spat their little flints out, I agreed to a refund of one replacement. I was very pleased.

Then I had a problem with my lap top. One of my best chinas is off to Australia for a wedding next week and he wanted some nostalgic ‘70s stuff and he sent me a list. He has a job and is too exhausted when he comes home to download music and as I am now certified as being very sick, could I do some ditties for him from those places on the web where for some strange reason you can download vibes for free, along with enough viruses to create your own epidemic? He duly sent me a list and I was duly shocked at his taste. Steve Millar band! Gawd. Still there were enough musically sick people up there who freely allowed me to ‘borrow’ their music.

Then when I tried to burn it, all shit broke out. My expensive designer lap top, manufactured by some clowns whose name should be MUSH, started screaming like a throttled last Zimbabwean chicken. It took two days before I finally took control again. I had bought from the market ages ago for a pound, a so called DVD lens cleaner, which actually is just some tooth brush bristles stuck on a disc. I fired that in as the last desperate measure after doing enough diagnostics on the fucker that my key board collapsed, and hitting the lap top with my fist made it scream even louder. Funny coincidence that the guarantee ran out just a while ago. Any way, that seemed to have sorted the bastard out, and it seems to be burning and brumming away…quietly.

Then, I had a backstab to my self esteem that shocked me to the last of my tins of Carlsberg. I got fucked over by a spoof!
Me, the greatest Bush detective of all time, capturer of the infamous fraudster Raimond, Ebay spoof supremo, got caught with his pants down. I was so full of myself, that I failed to spot the perfectly instigated letter claiming to come from EBay, congratulating me on being offered power seller status, even though I had only a miserable 36 feedbacks, as a fake. Blind and drunk on my own self esteem, I followed the prompts and happily confirmed my PIN numbers.
Imagine my confusion when I opened my email the next morning, to find out I had with immediate effect been terminated as a customer for fraudulently trying to sell 2 Chevrolet Chevelles, 1Cadillac Eldorado and a Mercury Cougar!
It took a while to sort that out, resulting in me having to change my pins, which really gave me the needle, and if I ever catch those bastards, I will arrange for them to get a visit from Mugabe’s anti-corruption goons. And, to add insult to injury, I won’t be getting my power seller status.

On the ecstasy side of life, I am pleased to announce that I have finally a new editor for my master piece. So things should kick start again and we will see how fast the whole shabam gets wrapped up.
Meanwhile my satirical article, Zimbabwe breaks all Guinness book of records, etc (see below,) was accepted by the Deadbrain, and the Zimbabwean Situation web sites. The latter being the number 1 source for information regarding the daily prevailing anarchy down there, has over 5 million hits to its credit. I think my article was most probably the first time a piece of satire has been put up there, so I am well chuffed. I have supplied links to these two sites.

My Ebay spoofs produced some amazing results. Mrs Smut's cane was paid for and duly sent to Arkansas. The iPod, which was non existent, never sold but garnered 4327 hits. The Mugabe TURD sold for an amazing amount of £51, but I’m still waiting for the money. Should it come, I will reinvest in another spoof, guaranteed to make you throw up in horror…lol

Also please check out the link Lekker Wear as the owner has sent me a free hat and T-shirt as a bribe.

Many thanks for the Emails, more the merrier, but cool it on the death threats. I can only die once and if this continues, I will put my life up for auction to the highest bidder soon. I wouldn’t like to miss out on making a profit. I can even arrange a discount for some rope if the winning bidder wants to hang me.

Ciao, till later…Lore.

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