Sunday, January 08, 2006

“Organic Farming is The Future” declares a defiant Mugabe.

“Organic Farming is The Future” declares a defiant Mugabe.

From ‘The Daily Nutter’ reporter, Brainless Buttocks.

The President of Zimbabwe was quick to congratulate the new leader of the United Kingdom’s Conservative party, Dandy Camp-moron, for his vision of feeding the world only with products grown organically. The fresh faced leader had been quick to enrol the assistance of African expert, Sir Bob Git-doh, who’s forthcoming book, ‘If the Shitter is blocked, grow some potatoes in it’, which is already touted by literal experts, as the best quality toilet paper south of the Sahara.

The great liberator, Emperor Bob Mugabe, heaped praise on the head of the new U.K. opposition leader, but was quick to point out that Zimbabwe had spent the last six years converting their agricultural system into one that is wholly organic. Speaking recently at a conference in Malaysia, the President took the opportunity to ridicule the United States attempts to force his people to eat freely donated cloned maize.

“If I have one cob of grain, and if you spray it with chemicals, it becomes two cobs of grain, someone is trying to make a profit,” he roared at the small gathering of the press who were actually there to sleep off a large lunch of whale soup and roast giant albatross. He did admit early difficulties to convert the factory styled commercial farms originally under white ownership, into the African farming principle of, ‘One Man, One Meal, Once’,

“It took brave measures and hard work to finally rid our land of the white filth that forced our people to live on food that had been artificially grown with tractors, irrigation pipes and fertilizers, whilst these so called farmers drove around in fancy cars polluting the air.”

The man who is revered by millions as the greatest fighter for freedom since Genghis Kahn, went on to say,

“At last the rains have come and the sewers have finally burst to pump their years of carefully accumulated shit all over the place. My agricultural experts assure me there will be bumper crops as the nutrients eventually soak into the ground water,” he added. Looking relaxed and well fed, his hair freshly coloured with 'Nugget' shoe polish, the President replied to a question regarding the outbreak in Zimbabwe of Cholera and Armyworm reported in the western press.
Laughing delightfully he told the largely uninterested small group,

“For the worms we have the army and Cholera is a white mans disease. Once they are all gone we have nothing more to worry about. If you want to grow food successfully, you need bowels that produce fluid shit to spray on the vegetable plot that every black Zimbabwean now owns. By the end of 2006 we will be exporting to the rest of the world!”

The freely elected leader of Zimbabwe for the last 25 years, wasted no time to push for Mr Camp-Moron to rig the next election to over throw Tony Blair,

“Mr Blair is a lying gay spy of Mr Bush, The Baghdad Monster. I can work with Mr Camp-moron, he understands Zimbabwe and will force the millions of Zimbabweans working in Britain to send their income home or I will torture their families.”

With that, he let out a large fart, rolled his eyes and shat on a nearby potted miniature tomato plant, before retiring from the stage to be treated for chronic verbal diarrhoea.

No comments: