Monday, January 23, 2006

Cooking for Dummies.

Today we explore the culinary art of stuffing and eating a pig. Not an entire ‘porker’ of course, although the methods used could also work, providing you have enough stuffing.

As food and cooking is mentioned quite often in my book, I thought I would give you a quick insight as to how my expertise was taken from the Boy Scouts and on patrol in the Bush, to the kitchens of Germany. Due to sanctions being imposed after U.D.I., Rhodesians became world famed for entrepreneurial innovation, and here I show how to make a complicated, but tasty dish, with the minimum fuss and bother.

English/German Stuffed Schwein with Greek style potatoes.


600 gram’s of German schwein, neatly popped into an elastic band sock by your local German butcher.
Some potatoes.
1 box of Sage and Onion stuffing mix, one year over its final ‘use by’ date.
1 bag of Greek spices labelled ‘Mixed spices for lamb’.
1 small bottle of olive oil.
2 OXO cubes.

Weapons of mass consumption and other things you need.

1 return ticket to Crete.
1 return ticket to England.
1 dodgy oven pot, with a glass top that’s a bastard to clean.
1 plastic tube with long pointed end.
1 long wooden stick.
1 Hilti silicon gun, preferably new or clean.
4 splifs of good quality.
6 bottles of beer.

Preparation: Phase 1.

Fly to Crete and purchase a bag of 'mixed spices for lamb'.
Fly to England and buy a box of Sage and Onions stuffing mix and 2 OXO cubes from Sainsburys. Keep in cupboard for 18 months.

Phase 2:

Smoke first splif, wander into kitchen and place Bob Marly, ‘We don’t need no more trouble’, on CD player. Push repeat button.
Open bottle of beer and pour into a freshly rinsed glass, drink it.
Turn oven on and set to 200c.

Peel potato’s and chop into bits about 3cm by 3cm.
Put them in a glass bowl with a little water and shake ‘mixed spices for lamb’ liberally over them. Nuke the bastards for about 15 mins, whilst drinking next beer and light up next splif.

Take the schwein out the fridge and stare at it confusingly for the duration of the second splif, till you remember why you in the kitchen in the first place.

Take out box of Sage and Onions stuffing mix from the back of the cupboard, where its been ‘maturing’ for the last 18 months. Read the instructions on the back. Do it.

Rinse glass and pour another beer. Prod and poke the ‘Schwein in a sock’, till you have worked out where the end is.
Look at hot steaming stuffing mix in a bowel and then at the tight orifice of the Schwein.Smoke next splif and pour another beer.

Go to the workshop and return with Hilti silicon gun and plastic tube with long end.
Poke stuffing mix with a spoon into hollow plastic tube and insert this into Hilti silicon gun.

Place pointed end in the discovered orifice of schwein and inject. (Be careful not to pump too hard, otherwise the end comes out of the gun and the stuffing goes everywhere.) It’s advisable to have a partner hold the schwein down while your entering it, which leaves one hand free to tightly hold the end of your gun while your pumping.

Rinse hands and change CD to Peter Gabrial's greatest hits, play that one where he is a loser and wants to jump off a bridge.
Pour another beer.

Take potatoes out the bowl and dry them with some kitchen paper.
Add more ‘mixed spices for lamb’ to the hot water left over from the nuked potatoes and add a good dollop of olive oil.
Place stuffed schwein in dodgy oven pot and pour over the water/herb/oil mix, place in oven.

Clean up the mess and hang about for an hour.
Pour another beer and smoke next splif.
Open oven and poke schwein with stick.

Place the rest of the olive oil in a frying pan and add lots of ‘mixed herbs for lamb’ to it. Turn on the hot plate and when it starts to smoke and spit, chuck in the potatoes and jump back.
Poke potatoes with stick till crispy brown.

Turn on the grill if the schwein hasn’t got a crispy skin by now.
When crispy, take the schwein out of oven and dodgy pot.
Add some water and the OXO cubes to the funny goo in the dodgy pot, mix with stick.

Slice the schwein into slices, place on plate with Greek potatoes and cover the lot with the goo.


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