Sunday, April 29, 2018

William and Harry

The Death of Harold of Hastings.

It is 1066, Monday morning, about 7.35 am., and Harold is awoken -

‘Your majesty, the enemy approach and we are all doomed. How would you like your fried eggs this morning for the hen did lay some fresh ones?’
Harold slowly got out of bed. Very slowly and clutching his head. Last night had been a blast. Sadly, it seems the blast was coming out of his head.

‘Forget breakfast. Saddle up my horse. I will face the enemy face to face and face them off.’

And so Harold rode out in haste to Hastings waving a sword around his head followed by no one because his army had done a runner.

(It gets exciting now.)

The enemy is led by this bloke who only eats oranges. This diet made his skin turn orange. (Bloody obvious that.)

Anyway – William of the orange skin sees Harold charging down a hill on a horse waving a sword about and hollering and yelling something terrible and turns to his number one double agent, Robin Hood of Nottingham, and says-

‘Robin, stick an arrow in that idiot’s eye because he is making me nervous. You drop him one time, I get my Mom to make a tapestry for you.’

Robin, a sneaky, thieving, back stabbing sob, wants to cover his arse.

‘What happens if I miss?’

William of the orange skin does not hesitate – ‘I will have you hung, drawn and quartered.’

Hmm. That didn’t give Robin much room to negotiate. Taking up his mighty bow of pure yow wood, he let loose, not one, but 36 arrows one after another because it was impossible to send them in a bunch.

Bull’s eye. Harold falls of his horse – very dead. So sad.

William has conquered England. After two weeks in the stinking shit wet hole. Full of lazy drunk peasants – he decides the whole campaign was a waste of time and fell on his sword.

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