Sunday, April 29, 2018

The Rise of King David

The idiot

Once upon a time an idiot walked the earth. All thought he was stupid. But the idiot had a mission, for in his mind he concluded shepherding sheep was for losers. He was right because chatting to sheep all day and night is not particular enlightening.

His vocabulary was reduced to ‘Baa-Baa’, but with such a bad accent, not even his sheep understood a word what he Baaaing about.

Luckily, a bad man came along. His shelong was rumoured to be ten feet tall and he himself was over 6 feet of massive muscle.

The idiot sat on the hill and “Baaded’ away to his sheep. Seven wise men approached him.

‘Idiot, we in shit streets. The man with the 10 foot shelong wants to kill us all. Help us.’

‘Baaa,’ the idiot replied.

But the seven wise men were very wise for they chanted together -

‘Baa, baa, black sheep,
Have you any wool?
Yes sir, yes sir,
Three bags full...
Baa, baa, white sheep,
have you any wool?
yes sir, yes sir and go kill the shelong’

The idiot did react.

‘Shut the fuck up with that din. Okay, if I kill the shelong, what do I get in return?’

And the wise men did bugger each other for an answer for they had not anticipated that the idiot could be so clever.

‘You will be King of all you see.’

‘I will be King of all I can see?’ the idiot replied (rather obviously). ‘Shall I tell you what you want to give me that is not yours to give. FUCK all. A dried up shit hole of a desert where my stupid sheep eat each others shit to survive - and I must risk my life to attempt to kill the shelong?’

The wise men did once again bugger about. Filthy fuckers all. They concluded -
‘If you fight the shelong – we get you a date with Cleopatra.’

‘Who the fuck is Cleopatra? Anyway, Baa, what’s is shelongs name?’

The wise men were afraid to tell him the shelong’s name was called ‘Goliath’ and settled on ‘Tiny Tim’.

‘Tiny Tim? With a 10 foot shelong - hardly! Pull my other Baaa , leg.’

At this point Nexflix saves you for the next exciting episode… Stay tuned.

- - -

The Idiot Part 2 His name? Fuck this for a lark?

David, as he was named by his parents, the future King of Israel, picked up his FN semi and automatic assault rifle. Loaded with 7.62 mm x 51 mm rounds and seventeen magazines, each extended covering Scope, Penthouse and Playboy- he could shoot his load over half of the middle east.

‘Okay – lets waste the fucker’.

The seven wise men did a runner, screaming ‘Allah Akbar’.

The Idiot looked up into the heavens. Why? No one has a clue, but it seemed a cool thing to do.

David, aka, ‘The Idiot’, gave his weapon a quick test. ‘Baaa, get that you boring shits’, and he did turn his herd into lamb well shot up.

It was time to hunt down the giant shelong known as Tiny Tim.

Stay tuned for the next exciting episode….

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