Monday, April 30, 2018

The Mystery of the Back Door Death


Shitlock Homo and Doctored Willie in -

The Mystery of the Back Door Death

Written by TGK (Shitlock) and Eddie (Doc Willie).

It is Thursday evening on a terrible dark and crazy night of Zulus on the rampage in Soweto, 1876 on the 32nd of February. Rain threatens.

Shitlock Homo and Doctored Willie have been called to a crime scene. A naked man is lying in a puddle of mud. Face down. Sticking out his back door is a broom gently waving from the coming storms wind. The corpse twitched with every move

Shitlock Well, Willie (puffing on his pipe loaded with the best hash money can buy) what do you conclude has happened here?
Doc Willie - Well my dear Shitlock...it strikes me that this poor unfortunate individual has come to a sticky end. I think finger printing the broom handle may help to uncover the bounder that performed this atrocity on him.

Shitlock – I have just noticed the victim’s eyes have sprung out of his head and rolled in the mud. It is a sign. A message he needs to pass on with his lost soul buggered from his rear hole. BUT – will gas escape if you remove the broom stick from the back door?
Stretching out his hand, Doc Willie wiggled the broom and a loud fart erupted from the prostate mess lying at his feet. Both clasped hands to their mouths. Too late, colourful puke shot between Dr Willies fingers all over Shitlocks tweed over coat.

Shitlock
Thanks for that, but can we stick to basics? Who is this poor man who died a broomers capitulation of life? Why? What did he do to deserve the infamous tradesmans entrance death by broom handle?
Doc Willie Well, I don't wish to brush this matter under the proverbial, so we must dig deeper into the darkest recesses of his unfortunate life and come up with some facts.

Fact one. He is dead.
Fact two. It wasn't a pleasant death. I suspect that the assailant has a liking for delving into the dark side.
Shitlock Fuck this for a lark. What time have you?

Doc Willie - Well my dear Shitlock . I have 9 pm. Strikes me that the sun is well over the yard arm. Did you notice I didn't make a joke and refer to a yard brush? Bollox to this old chum. Get a bobby to scrape this sad fuck up and deliver him to the mortuary. If my deduction is correct...The Swan and Duck is open and I need plying with ale.

Shitlock
You insane fuck! Your still on British time and there is no Swan and Duck in fucking Soweto. This is not Brixton. Booze joints here are called things like Tyre Necklace and Assegai Gutted. Not to worry though, we can grab a few chilled ones before someone sets fire to a local joint.

So Shitlock and the Doc Willie head off into the nearest Shabeen, as dusk has long settled . Here's hoping that the refuse guys get to him, before the pride of hyenas do that. We saw them heading this way. The evidence may yet be consumed.

With that irreversible evidence pointing to a total waste of time
Shitlock Homo and Doctered Willie now concentrated on the  -

Mystery of the Mongolian Missing Princess
s Vagina.

Stay tuned.

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