Sunday, April 29, 2018

Obituary - James Armless. Professional Tennis Player – 1934 – till 2017.

The Times - 03.11.2017

Obituary - James Armless. Professional Tennis Player – 1934 – till 2017.

After losing his lower left arm in a terrible accident , (he was trying to do a selfie with a lion in London zoo), James Armless, ranked number 15014 in the professional tennis rankings, was looking towards a life of poverty and food banks.

Till, in a sensational world first – a load of first year trainee doctors, totally out their cocaine filled minds, in a seven minute operation done without any narcosis in the car park of The Queen Elizabeth Hospital; attached a tennis racquet onto his elbow.

Recovering, James returned to the tennis circuit at the age of 72, but turned it into a circus. Being right handed he could serve and return left racqeted.

Obviously, this caused a right ruckus racket about the left racquet. Many of the other players refused to play against him (including former Number One, Bollox Boris), and with the whole drama in uncharted territory, the Internarial Federation of Yellow Balls Crossing Over a Net (IFYBCON), banned the poor man.

He was poor before but was even poorer now and unable to purchase food and too ill to go begging, the poor bugger died in his home of a cardboard box under a M25 flyover.

He is succeeded by his jack russel named, ‘Shut that fucking racket up’.

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