Saturday, January 09, 2016

The girl who felt nothing - or feeled nothing. Who cares?

All ad-lib . total freestyle and  no attempt at editing. Just make it up as I drink beer. Allah Akbar!

(If anyone finds this to be offensive - I am delighted! That was the plan!)

Chapter Two -

Mi 5 or 6 HQ – yeah. What a bunch of tossers. Still, with time on my hands whilst they converted the Lotus and being now 50k lighter, I went shopping. Well, that is what girls do, right?

First stop was at a pharmacy, known in German as an Apotheke. As I speak the ex Third Reich language (along with about 6 more – I mean, what else do you do all day at home? Sit on Facebook and send pictures of cats to a load of brain deads?), and I needed some bullshit.

As usual I made a bee line to the obvious dyke behind the counter. I needed stuff for a bit of minor sugary and after some crap about a small wound in my cute little pooch's leg that I wanted to sew up myself as I am a highly qualified nurse and can't afford the vet etc etc – I got what I needed. And her phone number – which was promptly binned.

Next – I have class and there was no way I am going to some filthy bog hole where junkies shoot up – nah. 5 star hotel for me. Two nights.

'Do you have a credit card?' asked the bloke is a very Syrian sounding attempt of German, at the Hilton front desk. (Well, it wasn't exactly going to be the back desk – that is the tradesman’s entrance.) 'We need one and also your passport, before we give you a room.'

I need this shit like a bullet hole I would put through his head. I looked about. Okay – CCTV. Plan 'B'.

'See this oh skint Arab fucker, 5k in cash. Your alternative is I take you outside and snap your neck, hack your body into bits and feed it to my pet guinea pigs.'

He got the message and I was soon ushered into a rather fancy room. Nice indeed. But I had to do a little operation on myself.

Shoving your left elbow into micro wave oven after cancelling all the safety rubbish is all well and good but leaves the skin a bit crispy. I sorted that out but just to be on the safe side I decided to dig the GPS chip out. No big deal. Pissed a bit of blood but sewed that up and then had a look in the mini-bar.

Ahh – now booze and me is a big problem. Last time I got wasted, and I mean seriously wasted, was a couple of years ago...

Some bloke had chatted me up at Tescos checkout. Nice enough, looked like a bit of David Beckham mixed with that Rico bloke from 'Star Troopers'. He was quite amusing. Invites me to a pub – blah- blah. A few glasses of wine and I am not thinking straight.

Well, next thing he is humping and pumping, cooing and moaning away between my legs and I am thinking the ceiling needs painting.

'Oh, excuse me,' between his shouts of adoration, 'can we have break. I need a fag.'

I opened the window. Lit a smoke and called him over – still with his little man at attention.

'Look at that skyline. Is it not wonderful?'

'Yes' he replied, shortly followed by a scream. Ahh no big deal. It was only one floor and there was a rose bush to break his fall.

The cops just took him away. I was untouchable. But back to where I am -

Hmm – I was not in the mood to go on the piss. Just a quick flick of fingers soon dismantled the daft security on the windows of the hotel room. Unplugging the fridge, I threw it out. Drinks and all from the 27th floor. Much to my delight it ploughed into the top of an arriving Taxi to reception. I hoped they liked their drinks shaken but not stirred.

Yeah. a lot of panic broke out. I just leaned out the window and watched the peasants run around like ants with their pants on fire. And talking about fire – I was already bored and wondered if torching the place would cheer me up?

Gwad German TV is so boring. Flick about. Some news report about a fridge landing on a taxi. Flick – the rise and fall Adolf Hitler , big fucking deal, flick, ahh BBC, a documentary about mad dog Gahdafffi, flick – ahh, that is better, some whales getting blown up by the slitty eyes as research- bored – flick. Porn. Oh please. Flick and wow this is so cool.

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