Thursday, December 29, 2016

Fucked to Death

As requested by a FB TGK fan, an S and M story. Part One.

Some clarification -
I am not into this sort of thing at all. I write satire and make people laugh.

So – I thought about this a lot. All 30 seconds, and decided to write a sketch that hopefully will turn your stomach and if you get to end – who is the sickest of us all? You who read it, or I who wrote it?

Perhaps – both, for the fascination for horror, ‘schadenfreude’, and the general misery of the runts of this planet, makes you laugh because most of it is their own fault - runs deep in the psyche of the human being.

I used several real examples along with some rather extreme perverse writings I have read to create this -

A title? How about – Fucked to Death -

It was time. Hah – The Yorkshire Ripper had nothing on me. I never did clock the dumb clown. Murdering away but he never really got his rocks off. Waste of a hammer.

Of course, I had a plan. No big deal. The country side is littered with the rotting bones of the unwanted. I can proudly say about 34 recyclable bin bags of ‘fertilizer’ have contributed to some serious spring flowering of daises. I must laugh. The police? What a joke. Someone missing? They have been missing from society so long – the
bureaucrats still send them payments every month.

That is how I live. I have a job. That you will see, but part time, - for making a screaming bitch chant her PIN number whilst I shove a children’s shovel up her shithole (such fun shoveling the shit out of them – especially when you dislodge the intestines) – ahh, that brings in plenty of coin.

But I digress. The latest stinking cunt I hunted was the best. I knew where to get her. I had spotted her with the other drunken low life in the underpass of M√ľnchner Freiheit underground station. That’s where they hang out. I do feel sorry for the dogs though. Still, the bums have a great life. Just laugh, drink and drink, fuck in the open – humping humps of rags, some with their dogs.

Security ignores them; the public walk a wide berth. Me?  I pass the occasional one holding out  a beggar’s hand. Mumbling about starving and I give him a quick kick in the jaw. That shuts him up and stops him chewing on his dog’s knob for a while.

(So – that ends Part One – I hope you DO not look forward to the next bit. But I know you will. The thing is – how many dare to ’like’ or comment?

Part Two
The plan. You always need a plan unless planning for  Brexit….

Sunday, December 25, 2016

The Tennis game

Losing a tennis game, during a break, I deliberately served a double fault by kicking my opponent so hard in his googles, he was hospitalised and I won on default.

Shit happens

A TGK Merry Xmas to all.

I hope you are all disgusting, er, digesting your turkey with a few drops of the sauce that turns brains to mush.

I had a lovely Xmas Eve with D and the boys. We went to watch the latest Star Wars, in English and in 3D.  I understood some of the critic’s opinion that it smelled of heavy political  modern day issues. (I talk about smells in a minute.)

They were correct. The footage could have been filmed in Aleppo. The plot was a bit weird but no one cared. Most of the audience couldn’t understand a word anyway and there were great cheers when Darth Vadar (aka  Vlad the Turkey, Putin being the German word for Turkey – the animal, not the country), rocks up, wheezing from having smoked too many fags all his life, and does ‘the force’ throttling bit.

But there was a problem with a bad smell. A very bad smell. So bad I had to take my shoes off and put them in a corner. That was an issue as there were no corners.

What happened was D parked up between two cars on a busy street. She took so long I grew a 40 foot beard and the boys turned 83 and 86 respectively.

Getting out, I heard this terrible squelching sound. I could not believe my luck. I had just stood, full mid, in the Guinness Book of Records for ‘The largest pile of freshly
diarrhoea dumped dog shit on a sidewalk’. And I found it.

My idiot children thought it was funny as I dragged my left foot over any surface that could scrape the stinking glue away.

Anyway – Merry Xmas.

Friday, December 23, 2016

El Paso

From the Reuters ticker – News just come in.

Gay matador killed by horny bull.

The  flamboyant matador, Flamingo ‘El Paso’
Autofellatio, was today killed in the bull ring by a large horny bull.

A popular entertainer, the 45 year old never actually terminated any bulls, but dressed in pink and covered in fake diamonds, he was a crowd favourite.

In over 200 appearances, ‘El Paso’ would always pass urine and fill his pants as soon as a bull was released into the arena. Screaming, ‘Mamma Mia’ he would dive over the safety barriers before the bull had even worked out what the fuck it was doing there.

However, in tragic circumstances, as CCTV footage show, ‘El Paso’ had been distracted by a young man winking at him from the front row.

The force of penetration left the hapless matador flapping his arms and twitching his legs on the end of the left side of the bull’s horns until, perhaps in a coincidental irony, it flicked the corpse into the First Aid pit.

Many conscientious, left wing animal lovers called yet again for a ban on the ‘sport’. However, the Minister for Killing Bulls, Chinese born ‘Zing Zang Nogong’ was quick to reply -

‘Zongy, zong singsig, lahata myway – fuck the pope, wing dingzing huh!’.
Roughly translated -

The fucking bull fucked him up the arse to death, for fuck’s sake. Wake up you fucking morons -  smell the cupochina. Huh!.

Thursday, December 22, 2016

The Greatest Penalty Ever

When I was at school with the great goalkeeper, the legendary Bruce Grobbelaar, I made a bet with him.

'I will place a ball on the penalty spot, go into goal and I bet you miss. Should you score, I give you a dollar. Should you miss, you give me two.'

Laughing, he agreed and meeting at a school pitch at 1.15 pm, hundreds of bored brainless heads had gathered to watch the humiliation.

With much cackling and jeering from the cheap skates in the front row of the stands, I managed with a bit of blue tac, to attach the ball exactly on the penalty spot.

Taking off my school tie, I stood in goal and started clowning around. I stood on my head, leapt up on the the posts, swinging like a drunken monkey, made 'Uga Uga' sounds and awaited the great Bruce's booting a ball into school history.

Laugh? - I nearly passed a stool at school. He gave it a great kick. Problem was I had filled the ball with helium.

Last I read from NASA, the ball had just passed Uranus.

Bruce complained I had cheated and never paid up.

Wednesday, December 21, 2016

When is a left leg right?

British Doctors from the University of Legends announced a first in medical history this week.

The patient, a 57 year old alcoholic who fell in front of a tram, severing his right leg, has been given a new donated left leg.

At the news conference, several reporters were confused.

One and many screeched out the same question.
'If he has a left leg left, why attach another one where the right leg was left?'

Professor Fuckedinhead, was quick to acknowledge the confusion by saying - 'We sewed it on backwards.'

Stunned audience were silent for a moment trying to work this out.

'Erm, Professor, Alice Wonderland, from Shite News, could you explain why the tax payer has funded this in the tune of more than the six million dollar man, what many would consider, an act of fucking lunacy?'

Professor Fuckedinhead, calm, and in total control of the news conference -
'It is simple. He is /was an alcoholic. With this venture of advanced stitching useless fuckers together, we can save the NHS millions. Is simple. They can not find a pub as they just walk about in circles.'

The Suicidal Loser

A friend of mine called me- 'I can not take life any more, so I am going to take it.'

(I have rather a lot of friends with these kinds of problems.)

'What do you intend to do?'

'I will jump off the 18th floor from my flat.'

'Good luck' I replied.

I knew this would be another lemon. I hung up the phone and sighed. Such a loser. Last time - he tried to gas himself in an electric oven and landed up with 1st degree burns on his head. Plus - he was a coward and an idiot.

Sure enough - next day in the press -

'Scar head madman arrested after jumping up and down in elevator.'

Tuesday, December 20, 2016

Terror in Berlin

Terror in Berlin

I really feel about this. Rhodesians grew up with terror and terrorists. Germany is my home and I love the people.

Pointless to debate – this is neither the time nor the place.

I am not religious – but I certainly understand the Xmas cheer.

It fulfils much – the end of a year, good or bad and hope for the future.

I consider myself lucky – on the bones of my arse – Germans picked me up and gave me hope again.
I will be with D and the kids for Xmas eve (celebrated here, not Xmas day), and I can even afford them presents. Almost a tradition now - we go to the shit hot cinema in Munich to watch the latest Star Wars thing in 3D, then dinner and present giving.

Strange – where that lunatic ploughed his truck into all those people, I know well. I spent altogether two years in Berlin on various building site projects. It is, or was, sort of the centre during the cold war. It is/was not particularly a nice place.

The old church had the hell bombed out of it in WW2. Next to it the Berliners built a new one – a horrible monstrosity of glass bricks.

Around the entire square were dark skinned, shifty characters waiting for customers. On each corner was a Vietnamese selling illegally imported cigarettes. I would go down there every couple of weeks for two reasons.
One – there was a KFC – the only one in Germany at the time. I love KFC. And Two – I could (if lucky), score some dope.

Why am I telling you this? Because life then and now, goes on.

So – take time to watch this …

This is taken from the audio book.

Monday, December 19, 2016

Suspicious Sodomite Sodomises Sod.

Huh! What kind of news headline is this?
Found on Yahoo News ticker.

The blah blah was hilarious. However – I leave it to your imagination.