Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Happy New Year : Ryan Air

Well, I am sort of back again. Here is some gibberish I wrote. Rather funny actually…
Catch ya soon….

Ryan Air is a profit making version of an egg farm; the difference is you are the chicken laying Ryan’s shareholders the golden eggs. The corporation, lead by their flyboy-ant (and hilarious) CEO Michael O’Leary, prove that the Provo’s put up with poorness because it’s cheap.

‘For every flying drunk Bull bellowing, I got 500 pissed Cows lowing.’
 Michael O’Leary:  Reply to a question why people fly with his airlines and then complain. Sauce: BBC H.P and Tomato.

Doing my latest module with the Open University, I have been required to examine the creativeness of English in everyday speech. This required subterfuge. As a result I managed to obtain this recorded transcript from a ‘friend’ of mine flying recently with this airline…

Ryan Air on-board pre take-off announcement

Top of the St Patrick ’s Day and a Happy New Year to ya all. Remember, here at Ryan Air, every year is a Patrick. I am temporarily filling in for the Captain and me names Paddy van der Merwe. That ‘cos me Irish Mam was raped by Dutchman in South Africa during the apartheid protests. Anyway, I am sorry for the two day delay but that was due to a volcano exploding on the moon. We are not responsible, but for 10 Pounds English  (not Scottish or Irish) or 15 Euro (not Spanish, Greek, Portuguese or Italian…in fact only German), our cabin crew will give you the Email address of who is.

As we wait for a taxi tow start, I would like to point out that this flight is going to a destination printed on your home computer printout. If you’re not supposed to be flying to that printout, please refer your complaints to Window 7 or earlier and I suggest you leave now.

As you can see the seat belt signs are on. The vast majority of you will notice that some passengers are seated; this is because they are amputees and we are obliged to fulfil a financially crippling cripple’s quota on all flights.  The government forces us to supply them with seats.

Please do not hesitate to contact one of the staff if you feel sick, they will supply a recyclable bag for just £1 deposit.

We have a no Wee-Wee policy on board. Should you at anytime wish to wee, or god for bid shit yourself, a small area has been designated for £5 a shot. Time is restricted to 45 seconds, after that the door automatically opens for some great shots on Facebook.

Ryan air prides itself on the quality of its on flight entertainment. These include scratch cards for a pound with the first prize a free flight to any where back from where you went, subject to termination and snow on any runway.

We are now ready to depart and our cabin crew will now remove your free children from the aisle and place them in the overhead lockers. Please note they will be weighed and should they exceed the weight limit, an excess fee of £100 per kilo will be levied. For those still on Imperialistic system – that is £200 pound per pound.

Finally, in our effort to compete with other airlines that offer dodgy sandwiches, we will from next year be offering a new service. All children less than 15 kg will be allowed to be stored in the overhead lockers  and/or fly free. Please note this will affect your own overhead luggage allowance.

I Thank ya for paying no attention, and I hope that you will fly with us more as the recession bites. Top of the day to ya all.

1 comment:

John said...

They'll do it you know. They really will.

Happy New Year to you!