Thursday, January 29, 2009

The Sting – Bankers and Bees

We in the West worry about bankers a lot more than we worry about bees, which is rather silly because without bees there would be no bankers.

It is reputed that Albert Einstein said -

“If the bee disappeared off the surface of the globe then bankers would only have four years of life left. No more bees, no more pollination, no more plants, no more animals, no more bankers.”

It appears that this is a myth and he never said any such thing, but it doesn’t take away the fact that at this present moment the bees are in big trouble. So are bankers, but to be honest, come the revolution, if 70% of them were to be put against the wall and shot, I would be the first to invest in the armaments industry.

Unfortunately this seems unlikely as the only thing that seems to be being thrown at the bankers is huge amounts of money nobody has.

Bees are dying faster than bankers. Can we live without bankers? Well sub-Saharan Africa did very well without them before the Whiteman arrived in the form of missionaries, closely followed by bankers. It wasn’t as if the indigenous tribes had caves stuffed with ivory and the locals could go there and take a loan of three tusks to buy a wife and pay it back in instalments of stuffed baboon heads.

We cannot really live without bees. Well, we could, because we don’t need bees for grains and marijuana. Still, I think we would all soon get sick of eating dope sandwiches. At least we would still have beer.

Exactly why all the bees are dying is open to discussion. The Co-Op group of supermarkets believe it is due to pesticides. I am worried about the bees. I have been stung once or twice in my life by a bee but it was my own fault, so I don’t hold any grudge against them. I also got stung by bankers and it was also my own fault but I do hold a grudge against them as they shouldn’t have given me the money. It is a bit like a shop-lifter claiming he still steals because the store’s security is too stupid to catch him.

Bees, like bankers need homes. Bees’ homes are relatively cheap to build and accommodate lots and lots of busy bees whereas bankers homes cost millions and house just one lazy banker. Can bankers redeem their reputation by helping the bees?

I admit, grudgingly, it appears that besides their standard thieving ways that are put down to ‘costs’, ‘exchange rates’ and certain ‘taxes’, perhaps they can.

As I posted a short time ago, a woman called Anne needed a loan to expand her beehive making business in Kenya called Apiary Ventures Enterprises. She approached the banks and via MYC4 received Euro 8,744 to be paid back over 24 months to 70 investors. Most of them were between Euro 5 and 100 and one chap investing Euro 4,759. Interest rates were variable, highest 11%, lowest 1%. Average that she is paying is 9.69%

Now Anne has paid back her first instalment. My little investment is Euro 20 at 7.5%.

The banks (VISA) swiped 3% of that straight off when I handed my dosh over.

I have just received Email notification that my share of the first repaid instalment is in my MYC4 account. Take a look at this –

The Business you invested in has just repaid an amount to the Investors,

of which you receive your share. The details are below:

Business: Apiary Ventures Enterprises(2)
Bid amount: €20.00
Interest rate: 7.50%

Repayment: €412.44
Repayment - Your share: €0.79

Gains/Losses on Currency Exchange: €-15.23
Gains/Losses on Currency Exchange - Your share: €-0.03

The funds have been transferred to your MyC4 account.

I am not too clued up on accounts, but I gather that if it goes on at this rate, I will land up with less money than I started with. Where has the rest gone? Daft question really, where the hell did the trillions and zillions go that have created this great credit crisis?

More finger pointing at bankers.

Still, I prefer it this way. This is much better than simply handing dosh over to some smelly Irish ex-pop star to help finance tyrants. I have helped to save bees, thus saving all of humanity at a mere pittance and I couldn’t have done it without the banks.

Thursday, January 08, 2009

Aliens attack Windfarm – the truth.

Windmill after attack from Aliens.

This story is in almost all the papers. Best drivel is in the Daily Mail. They even have an exclusive photo of the alien vessel taken by some old diddy after four bottles of Scotch. Some of the comments are hilarious. Here is the link,

but a search of the web is where I found the truth. You see, it is still out there.

(All pictures courtesy of the Daily Mail.)

Lifted from:

The Old Zimbabwe Times newspaper (Rhodesian edition) and reported by Lore.

The president of ZESA (Zimbabwean Electricity Supply Authorities), Brightspark Penga-Mombe, and the Assistant Governor of the Reserve Bank of Zimbabwe, Sixpence NoDohla, were today arrested in the United Kingdome on charges of attempted theft and destruction of property.

Police claim that the two, bizarrely dressed as Octopussy in high heels and grapefruit stuffed bras, tried to steal electricity from a wind farm. The perpetrators were foiled when one of the windmill blades Brightspark was stealing fell onto his companion causing the grape fruits to burst out of their refrains and explode spectacularly high in the sky.

A picture of an exploding grapefruit but really an Alien Spacecraft painted yellow.

Rumours circulating in the press tried to cover the whole incident by claiming it was the work of aliens. Well it was, illegal ones at that, as neither of the two Zimbabweans have a working visa. Their lawyers did point out that within minutes of their arrest they both claimed political asylum.

‘That makes them technically British and their defence will be paid by the state.’

Brightsparks representative, Dim ‘CoolBeans’ LeGit QC, told this reporter. He went on to point out

‘My client was forced by desperation, due to western sanctions against Zimbabwe. It also should be noted that the plastic carrier bag that was to be used to stash the electricity had a hole in it and was highly unlikely to hold more than a watt or two.’

‘What?’, was my reply. Not what is my reply or any other wotnots. This is confusing me, so I said,

'What knots you tying now? You sound like Robert Mugabe!’

Zimbabwe's Casino Economy

Reading in the Times today, which suggested the British chancellor may start to print money, I must admit it sent a small shudder through me. Some economists actually think it is a good idea.

Talking about economists, a Zimbabwean one (Yes, amazingly they have them), by the name of John Robertson has had the dubious privilege of reading and commenting on a book called Zimbabwe's Casino Economy, written by the worlds most ludicrous money man, our good old friend Dr. Gideon Gono. That is the man whose new house is even bigger than Mugabe’s.

As we are all presently affected by the economic down turn, this critique of Gono’s book makes for cheerful reading (not). What is obvious is that the ZANU (PF) hierarchy and the Reserve Bank of Zimbabwe are so intertwined that a regime change and analytical look at the banks’ books would place most of them in jail. That is why they will not give in. In theory they can stay in power for as long as they like. A failed state status is perfect for them. After all, Somalia seems to be doing alright. How many pictures of starving pirates are on the web?

Well worth the read -

Hang on a sec. Starving Somalian pirates may be a bit nearer the truth. Failed states = big money for some people. Like a great place to dump toxic and radioactive waste. Also, since Somalia doesn’t have a Navy, it is easy to take all their fish. This article in the Independent is a must read.

Better yet are the comments. At least I now know where those Iceland (the supermarket) £5 dodgy lobsters that glow in the dark come from.