Monday, April 07, 2008

Bright Matonga – It’s the calendar, stupid.

Bright (or as he is known locally as, ‘Not so Bright’ ), Matonga, the Zimbabwean Deputy Minister of Information, announced today that there never was an election.

‘It is very simple’, he said today to a gathering of accredited journalists consisting of a former NASA trained chimpanzee, an ex-racing camel from Libya and a stuffed Russian bear. ‘This is the Chinese year of the baboon. This means in February there was an extra day. To keep everything in order, we took one day out in March. That being the 29th. So you see, you can’t be waiting for election results if there never was any on that day because the day never existed!’

Matonga was accompanied by his white British wife, the low class Essex slapper, Anne. She shot to notorious fame in 2002 when her husband was ‘rewarded’ a farm belonging to Vince and Monica Shultz, by President Mugabe. Anne had arrived at the farm and screamed to an astonished Monica ‘We are taking back the land you stole from us!’

Rumours abound that Anne Matonga has already put her name onto the Essex council housing list because, as she said to her mother in a recent telephone conversation, ‘these fucking ZANU monkeys are too stupid to peel even a banana, and I might be needing a bolt hole soon.’


Please find the full article of the invasion of the Shultz farm at

A final comment from me. I have on disc some rather long Email exchanges between myself and Vince Shultz as the whole drama unfolded. One day I will put it all together. It is incredibly harrowing.

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