Wednesday, August 22, 2007

For Sale: Zimbabwe (formally Rhodesia) Pvt. Ltd.

We have been authorised by our client, a well respected African statesman, to sell off his company, Zimbabwe Pvt. Ltd. to the highest bidder on the internet auction site eBay. Starting bid will be US 1 cent. There is no reserve.

Our client, who wishes to remain anonymous, intends to step down from the position of managing director and to look forward to a well deserved retirement.

Sadly, his pension fund was recently confiscated by the British government, desperate to finance their collapsing economy. Our client believes that the sale of his company will raise enough for him to continue to live out his remaining days in a modest life style that a man of his position deserves.

The company is situated in Southern Africa and is easily accessible by swimming crocodile infested rivers to the north and south, by climbing a 5000 foot high range of hills to the east, or a short walk through the Kalahari Desert to the west.


The company owns land approximately the size of Texas. Most of it is fertile and could be used for farming. There has been a recent problem with white squatters, but they have either been murdered or run-off their illegal shacks.

Zimbabwe Pvt. Ltd. employs a staff of approximately 12 million. This consists of upper management of 4000, who keep the day to day operations running smoothly, assisted by the firm’s own Security department of 100,000 men.

4 million workers are presently on holiday overseas or in neighbouring lands, and the rest are fully occupied looking for something to eat. The average age of non-management staff is less than 40 years, many preferring early exits, so there is a constant influx of fresh blood.

All workers are enthusiastic and hard working; in fact most of them earn several million dollars a month. A few disgruntled part timers, mostly of British origin, will be dismissed as soon as the British government finalises evacuation plans.

Zimbabwe Pvt. Ltd. has an excellent accountancy division that keeps its books perfectly balanced by printing as much money as it needs. All loans to any international credit institutions are simply ignored.

The firm has a fleet of 14 aircraft at its disposal, however, 13 of them are presently undergoing their annual inspection but they will be flying again in the not so distant future.

The company is presently revamping it mining operations which are a long term project, and as such, returns are approx. 90% lower than in 1980.

Also listed are several lodges, scattered throughout the companies’ premises, which are used for visitors. Presently they are only 17% occupied, due to restructuring of their kitchens. Once food is again readily available, the company is sure that 100% occupancy will again transpire.

Other assets of interest:

A large fleet of brand-new Mercedes-Benz limousines, used by management.

Two Chinese made 78 seater buses, 12 Ox-drawn carts and 53 bicycles used by the rest of the staff.

A small television and radio station operating 2 hours a day if electricity is available.

They are used to promote firm efficiency alongside light entertainment with Skippy, The Bush Kangaroo repeats.

Several hospitals and clinics, but these are presently understaffed due to the summer/winter holidays. The same goes for the staff training centres.

A handful of wild animals. It is hoped that the last of these will soon be converted into more profitable ventures, such as handbags, and briefcases.

A full list can be made available to any interested parties for a small fee of US $10 million. Please make bank guaranteed cheques out to: Robert. G. Mugabe.

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