Saturday, June 09, 2007

GEE, who ATE the money?

As usual, I like to keep you all informed regarding anything that involves everything of interest, so as such, I got on a plane and flew off to Germany. Why, you may ask? Well, it is obvious that from there I can give real in-depth reporting about the G8 summit that has just ended in Rostock.

I decided to fly with, the low cost budget airline, which along with, are responsible for the greatest increases in heart attacks and other stress related diseases. You will never arrive at an airport and be told that sadly, things were going so smooth, that they left 45 minutes earlier than usual, just to make sure that they arrived on time and it was your own stupid sodding problem if you were too lazy to check on the internet the latest regulations posted 15 minutes after you left the house. Neither is it there problem if you haven’t subscribed to the £2 a word text information system for your mobile phone.

This of course never happens as the plane is invariably late. Now I didn’t fly to Rostock, I flew to Munich, to make sure I was as far away from the few thousand nutters, masquerading as ‘protesters’, as possible. I was delayed both ways. In London I was delayed because ‘there is a delay with the flight from Munich’ and I typed part of this Blog entry in Munich’s waiting lounge, because, ‘there is a delay with the flight from London.’ DOH! If all of them are so delayed, why not simply change the flight times? You book a ticket for 16.00 take off, but it only actually get its act together at 18.00 - what is the bleedin point? Why not simply have the flight for 18.00. If the idiots arrive early for a change, we can be grateful and the pilot and crew can all go for a pint or two.

On the way from the UK to the ‘Vaterland’ it was such a cock-up, that I landed being flown by a different airline altogether. Seating was a ‘free for all’ which wasn’t a problem as the plane was massive and every one had a 3 seat row for them selves. As compensation for being delayed three hours we were offered a complimentary Coke. Unfortunately, at that stage, a line of coke would have been a great boost, but sadly, it was not forthcoming.

I happen to be rather fluent in the Deutsche sprache, so it was rather interesting watching the coverage on TV of the summit, and in the news papers.

Firstly – TV. What really moved me (to fits of roaring laughter), was a little snip of footage from a reporter for Germany’s ZDF Heute Journal. She is on a train from Switzerland, where in one carriage she interviewed 3, ‘G8 activists/protesters’ on their way to Rostock. Over two thousand of these idiots are spread over three specially commissioned trains.

The scene:

3 louts, feet up on the seats and on the floor a plastic shopping bag full of beer tins. The reporter manages to engage one of them in conversation, whilst the others stare glassy eyed at the wall.

The reporter had obviously just asked why they were doing the 16 hour trip to Rostock.

Protester, (semi-pissed, barely capable of intelligible speech and sporting a nice ‘Mohican’ hair style-

‘I am against the G8 because they always never keep their promises.’


‘Like what?’

Protester- (concentration on the answer visibly noticeable on his confused face)

‘Er- I haven’t got a clue (the idiot now starts laughing), I am not politically orientated!’

The video is here. It is only 29 seconds long and now that I translated the clip, it is well worth watching.

Nice one Fritz…! I laughed so hard, I nearly sent a cheque for three Euro cents to Burkina Faso.

Meanwhile, reading a quality German newspaper, I came across a little article about Angela Merkel (the German Chancellor) having a secret meeting with Bob Geldorf. (He is that one who still doesn’t know what a bottle of shampoo is.) It appears that a well known German pop-star called Herbert Groenmeyer, who has also fuck all else to do but make annoying noises about the poor blacks in Africa, is making her life a bit difficult. So she throws Geldorf a few more Euros to spunk on new Mercs for desperate despots, if he can plug the said Groenmeyers gob for a while.

But, best of all was a photo of her, Geldorf and that half wit in designer sun-glasses, Bono, having a chat at a table. Merkel’s face spoke a thousand words, which went something like this-

‘Listen you pair of fucking piss-ants, let me explain a few facts of life. I have 3.8 million unemployed costing a fucking fortune, Tony has a land sinking in so much private debt, that he is doing a runner. George doesn’t give a toss and needs every spare cent to pay for more bombs to drop on Arab peasants. The new French president is more than willing to contribute to Africa, such as 4 million of them in France, who have nothing better to do than set their cities on fire. Putin has enough begging peasants of his own and any spare change goes towards buying more English football clubs. The bloke from Canada, I forgot his name, is only here to make up numbers and the Japanese government are either committing hara-kiri, or going off to jail for thieving, so they prefer to keep a low profile.

Now, piss-off and go chat with your Chinese pals, who seem to be taking over half of Africa anyway, and sing some songs in Chin-Chang-Wong at a concert on the Mekong, with your heads full of Bong, and leave me alone! I have more important things to sort out, like trying to get Paris Hilton out of jail. Oh, one small thing. Bob, you know that money I promised you? Well, I am afraid I have to put against it the costs of keeping your flock of braying animals under control these last few days. Last estimate was…mmm, let’s just round it up at about £12 million.’

That’s all for now folks. I dug up an old song by the great Bob Geldorf that perhaps he, Groenmeyer and Bono could perform as the opening song at the next G8 Eat Cake and Africa Eat Nothing concert. It is called Banana Republic. Here is one of the verses…

And I wonder do you wonder
While you're sleeping with your whore
That sharing beds with history
Is like a-licking running sores
Forty shades of green yeah
Sixty shades of red
Heroes going cheap these days
Price; a bullet in the head


Rumours are abounding the net that Paris Hilton ‘has changed her ways’ and claims to have, ‘thought deeply about her entire point of existing’ and that upon her release from prison, promises to ‘purchase Neverland, and stuff it full of starving orphans from Der Far away land in Efrikar, or summin like that.’

1 comment:

dave coren said...

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