Monday, April 16, 2007

I Think My Heart Has Stopped!

I have spent hours and hours messing around with this Blog. I have achieved little. All I want is to get the borders smaller, so the middle bit is bigger. I played with something called HTML and some things called pixels (not to be mixed up with pixies, although I think I got plenty of the evil kind in my PC) and what happened?

I tell you what happened. My heart stopped beating for so long I thought I had died and gone to Zimbabwe and met the devil (whose name, oddly enough, is Bob). My Blog went mad and no matter what I did, it made the matter worse. At least I was bright enough to keep a copy of it before I messed about.

BUT, surprise surprise, I did manage to do some tinkering that worked. You will notice that all my links are now in alphabetical order. That took hours, as I had a hell of job downloading the alphabet from the Oxford site. The idiots sent me over 120 thousand words! All I asked for was an A to Z. I tried that site, but they kept asking me for what city and the name of the street…Bloody Fools.

Anyway, you will also see some neat little wavey flags. Aren’t they cute! If you accidentally click them on you will be guided to a police cell in Zimbabwe where you will be beaten black and blue. Not really, but it is the place where you can sort of relatively easily put pics up. I am still learning. At the bottom of the links you will see a button for Zimbabwe Situation. That’s the place where I get most of my material from for my satire takes. In fact, I have had a couple of my best piss-takes put up there as well. I got my knickers in such a knot trying to get my head around that coding. In the end the lady who co-runs the site did it for me. She has a really cool site which is linked under B…for Barbara.

I managed to put up some geek widgets to promote myself. I got all excited as I went from No 99 in the top 100 African websites to No 23 overnight. Sadly I needed only 13 hits to get that far! If you are bored, please play about with them and get me to No 1.

This afternoon, some worker wandered on too my balcony, without even saying hello and can I have a beer, and after putting up a ladder, broke every rule in the Health and Safety Book. I wish he had broken his sodding neck, the bastard, as he buggered off leaving a mess after drilling a huge hole in the wall. No idea what the hole is for. Maybe it is to stash his untaxed Cash Only Job wads of money.

UK readers have most probably heard of a pair of clowns called Peter Andre and Katie Price (aka Jordon). They have managed to make themselves rather wealthy here due to some mindless obsession people have with celebrity status. It would take too long to explain, but suffice to say they have made an album together. Not since the ‘70s when Peters and Lee released their debut album; Screeching Blonde Bint and The Howling Blind Drunk Bum, has a recording made such an impression on the paying public.

A Whole New World is up for sale at Believe it or not, there is a review of the CD by non other than the President Of Zimbabwe! (Scroll down to customer reviews. His is called Harmonies of Peace.)

You better click this on fast before Amazon cottons on…hah hah hah

Unfortunately, some of the proposed tracks are missing in the review, so I have put all of them here.

Let’s Crack Some Skulls Together

Beat Da Big Bums Blue

Whites Don’t Live Here Anymore

Rise ‘o Voices of Rhodesia (still not sure about that one)

You Love Me, Yowl, Yowl, Yowl

Like A Candle Igniting Your Home

Starving Matchstick Men and Eating Matchstick Cats and Dogs

The Hills Are Alive, With Fleeing Refugees

Bang Bang, I Shot You All Down

You Not Seen Nothing Like The Mighty Bob

One Moment In Time Down A Mine

Bob, Make My Brown Eyes Black and Blue

Catch Ya laters, Alligators…

Lore: Simply the Pest.


Anonymous said...

Oh my goodness - u think your heart has stopped ---- well one thing I can tell you for free - is that I think your heart is still beating.
But I wish I could say the same about my sides and stomach ---- they are killing me - oh heavens talk about cheering up a miserable blue Monday ---- thanks Lore that Blog was absolutely brilliant - (thank god you had a flash of brightness to save it all, and the little devil pixies didn't get their little mitts on it) your sense of humour is second to none -oh my god!! I am still chuckling (not clucking, now pse do not get confused!)

Fiona said...

UGH!!! Stop mucking about with your blog, I'm having to switch off my faves bar to read it!!!