Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Teeth, Hobbits and It’s The Economy, Stupid!

Apologies for not updating recently, but I have been very busy having another hole put into my head. This wasn’t the plan, but after all the agony, there was no ecstasy (unless you get a kick out of having needles squirting anaesthetic shoved half way into your brain), so it had to come out. Even after all the root canal surgery, it could not be saved. Yuck…I have got the little bastard in a plastic bag now, the one who has caused me so much misery these past few weeks. It is not a pretty sight. I thought I would take some pics of it and put them up here. You would see the thing riddled with holes and complete with a little bag of pus dangling between those funny bits which keep the molar imbedded in the skull. However, not wishing to put people off my Blog, I decided against it.

I will not put it under my pillow for the fairy either. Last time I did that, the fairy wanted to root my canal! Then he offered me ten pounds if I let him suck my toes! That little story will be told in LOTR (Last Of The Rhodesians),part two - presuming of course part one gets finished, before there is only one Rhodesian left to buy it.

Whilst on the London tube, on the way to see my Dentist (I went to school with him - showing off a bit here – his Daddy was Ian Smiths election campaign manager. Although, come to think of it, it couldn’t have been a hard job. All they had to do was print on the posters,
‘Vote for Smithy! OR hordes of marauding Commie Insurgents will steal your farms and rape your bank accounts!’), anyway, there I was reading one of the freebee newspapers and I came across a list of the top 10 best grossing films in the UK of all time.

AND – you will gasp in amazement, ALL three parts of my memoirs are in there! I couldn’t believe it. I haven’t finished writing part one yet, but some bloke called Jackson has filmed the lot and not even given me any credit at all! I was also a little suspicious of the plot. In his version of LOTR, Robert Sauron Mugabe loses to Ian Gandalf Smith with the help of the Selous Hobbit Scouts. Then King Arrogant (that is presumably me), shacks up with some skinny bint who looks like Spok with long hair. When I get around to it, I will sue that Jackson fella, as soon as he makes another hit record because I read that he is penniless now. Something to do with little boys and toys….

The latest book about Rhodesia/Zimbabwe I am reading at the moment is quite interesting. It is written by Doris Lessing and is called, African Laughter, which is a bit odd, because I am already on page 128 and no one in the book is laughing and me on the outside isn’t either. This particular lady (it is well worth a look at her credentials,, was booted out by the government of Southern Rhodesia for being a Commie shit-stirrer. Now she returns to Zimbabwe in 1982 and makes her reflections and comments. Some of them are gems. Here is one from page 43.

In reply to her brother (he had never got on with her), who had pointed out that Mugabe surrounds himself with armed guards and travels in a huge protected motorcade –

‘You don’t think that there might be some connection between putting up security fences and white louts turning up to jeer and shout threats? You don’t think Mugabe goes around in a motorcade because you people would cut his throat as soon as look at him?’

Actually, the only thing Doris has wrong is that the word white should be replaced with black.
During another argument with her brother Harry, she makes this observation (page 48). You will love this one –

I said he talked as if the whites of Southern Rhodesia were all remarkable and valuable, but many were poor material from any point of view. When they were good they were very very good, skilful, adaptable, full of expertise, but the rest were limited, unintelligent, with that kind of complacency that can only go with stupidity. They would not easily get jobs any where else and the blacks were only too lucky to have got rid of them.

THANK YOU, thank you, Doris – at last I now know why my schoolmate is a highly successful Dentist, and I am a penniless bum. I always thought it was because I talked too much in class and messed about! Well, that’s what it says on my school reports. It just shows how kind my teachers were. They would rather write that, than tell my parents the truth –

This pupil is a classic example of thick as complacent white Rhodesian shit, of limited stupidity and come the revolution, he will not get a job.

Well, Independence Day has been and gone and Mad Bob Mugabe explained that all Zimbabwe’s woes are not his fault but are because of …blah blah blah (too boring to write the same shite ad nauseum again). BUT, I picked up this super little quote from the Industry minister Obert Mpofu. Visiting a Bulawayo factory last week he threw this pearl of analytical wisdom before us:

‘Prices are going up at an hourly rate. If this goes unchecked it will have a negative impact on our economy. At the rate at which things are going there will be no economy to talk of.’

That of course is good news. It would mean there is one less thing to moan about in Zimbabwe!

Some of my returning fans may have noticed a few changes. One has already moaned. She claims she has to turn off the favourite bar to see the Blog entirely. I have two suggestions that can help. Use Mozilla Firefox as the browser (it is a lot better than Internet Explorer), and purchase a widescreen. I hope otherwise that everyone else is pleased with the improvements and there will be more to come. If all goes well you will be able to download and print your own Zimbabwe money soon. This will make you instant millionaires!

Kidding aside, The Bearded Man (please see the link and buy his book, Without Honour, which is now out) is working on a really cool logo for me. I also hope to do some more funky chicken buttons on the links.

Catch ya laters, alligators:

Lore – Simply The Pest.

P.S. : 6 of 8 people found the following review helpful:
That’s what is on regarding the review by Robert Mugabe to Katie Price and Peter Andre’s CD. Lol…lol. It is still up there!!!


Fiona said...

Firefox? Not on your nelly. What is this thing with Firefox? I tried it for a while and hated it. Each to his own. New monitor. Sheesh. Share some of your commission with me and I might consider :-)

Anonymous said...

Well firstly hope u have now fully recovered from the extraction of your tooth, and I am so pleased to see that you opted for not sharing the detailed pic of the said tooth.
Must say when I was reading - thought to myself Omg! hope there is no graphic detailed pic to go with this!!!

I am in full agreement here with Fi - Fiefox - not a "cat's chance in hell" - I also tried it for a while, but will refrain from commenting what I thought of it!