Wednesday, September 13, 2006

An idiot’s dietary guide to becoming an obese imbecile.

I have been watching with growing interest all the noise being made about diet, binge drinking, smoking and drugs being bad for you. There must be a large part of the population doing it and having a ball. So what is all the fuss about? It is all so one sided as well. There is plenty of information about for obscure people that want to live healthy lives (like me) but nothing to guide those that want to really live! So I have produced my own information sheet full of facts as how YOU to can have fun.

An idiot’s dietary guide to becoming an obese imbecile.

Fluid Intake.

Do drink copious amounts of alcohol and whenever possible between ‘sleeping it off’. A large beaker of spirits such as cheap vodka and gin make great chasers after every fourth pint of beer. This is a cheaper and more effective alternative to the fancy coloured drinks sold in test tubes. Alcohol decreases the brain functions to the point you dribble out your mouth, urinate in your trousers, fall down constantly, acquire amazing blurred vision and you tend to be incapable of speech, never mind sex. In this condition you will stand out in a crowd and feel like a million dollars.

Start your children off on drinking booze at an early age. Three serving spoons of Baileys Irish Cream liqueur in an infants bottle will keep the little dear from screaming its head off whilst you ‘sleep it off’. When they get older you can possibly have sex with some of your children’s friend’s brothers and sisters. However there are legal restrictions but a general guide is; if it is drunk and has an ASBO; shag it.

Young adolescents should start becoming expert binge drinkers by the age of 16. This way they will mix better with the other loud mouth yobs throwing up on the street on Saturday night and it will give them courage to steal cars, rob houses and the old British favourite – pugilism.

Mixing fizzy drinks with spirits is allowed. Recommended are caffeine rich drinks to get the heart really racing around to push the booze through your swollen liver. You will also notice that your kidneys will work better by no longer allowing yellow smelly stuff out but only clear fluids that froth like the head of a good pint of Guinness.

Please remember water is bad for you, fish do filthy things in it (sex and going to the toilet) and the water treatment plants smell of faeces and they put chemicals in.

Cow milk is for baby cows. Human mother’s milk is fine as long you are over 14, male and with one of your mate’s mothers.

Fruit juices for taste, such as in cocktails from cheap all inclusive hotels, may be drunk as the juice is totally synthesised from chemicals and helps to increase the urge to drink more of them.

Highly inflammable liquids such as petrol, paint stripper and white spirits, are cheap, fast alternatives than normal alcohol. They make the brain feel lighter and clear the naval passages. It is advisable to get advice with regards to lighting a cigarette if you happen to be one of the 90% of smokers.

Food Intake.

Do eat as many fast food hamburgers and chips fried in very old oil and put in sweaty soft buns. They are high in nutrients needed to make your body blow up like a balloon and thus soften the falls onto the main road as you stagger home from the pub. It also saves you having to climb stairs and you can just lie on the living room sofa ‘sleeping it off’. It is handy to have a dog to eat up any mess you hurl up on the carpet. The increase of flatulence will impress your friends with its aroma and pleasant musical tunes reminiscent to the opening theme from Star Wars.

Do absorb as many sugars as possible, such as Ice-cream, chocolate, sticky cakes and toffees. This helps to combat the small amounts of fluoride found in some beers and helps create a personal artistic smile of rotting stumps smelling like a sewer. A further touch is the appearance of random large yellow putrid spots on the face and body. These are of high entertainment value as they burst all over the bathroom mirror when you squeeze them.

Eat as much meat as you like, preferably half raw accompanied by chips, deep-fried onion rings and 3 fried eggs served with brandy or whisky sauces. The remnants taste delicious mopped up with slices of lard covered thick white bread made from processed flour.

Stay away from any foods with odd colours; such as green, dark yellow, orange, purple, (unless its old beef, in which case that’s fine) as these tend to be foods that animals such as rabbits and monkeys eat. Usually off yellow (as in chips) or red (as in bloody meat) is all the colour you need to put in your pale spotty face. Fatty beef Vindaloo curries are exceptionally good in assisting you sweat out unwanted salts and improves bowel movement.

Drug Intake.

Smoking 40 a day increases the likely hood of a sexy voice as heard in Big Brother contestants. (That’s the program you have on the television as you lie on the couch ‘sleeping it off’.
All other forms of illegal drugs are fine so long as the benefits cheque covers them. A cheap high is to get some anti-depressants from the doctor. Taken in quantity with alcohol it enables you to stare at Big Brother for hours without blinking and not have care in the world.
Growing your own dope is an excellent way to stay in a paranoid schizophrenic mode almost 24/7. Details are freely available on the web and the equipment is readily stolen from high street stores.

Benefits of this diet.

1. You are unemployable, you but don’t give a shite. No boss man to tell you what to do. You have complete control over your destiny and feel splendid about your life.
2. You have lots of friends who agree with you, especially the ones dossing in your decaying decrepit council house.
3. You die early, thus spoiling your children’s chances of stealing any more benefit cheques and they will have to apply for their own.
4. You receive free morphine from the NHS whilst dying in a hospital bed especially strengthened at enormous cost for your weight.
5. Never need to see a dentist or a doctor as you always feel fine.
6. You can sleep in till 11 when the pubs open.
7. You have many children and grand children that all love you and match your life style.

Courses are freely available in most corner pubs where fellow intuitionalists will give you handy hints on what else is available to claim for.

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1 comment:

Fiona said...

Addendum: Don't worry about getting sick, you can always sue Macdonalds/Benson and Hedges/Carlsberg as appropriate for ruining your health and your future is secure.

BTW - haven't you just described half the youth population of Rhyl?